THATS WHAT I'D DO.

i got home at 330 in the morning.
when i was supposed to be home at two plus by right.
but fadhly made us walk all the way to wheelock.
so that he can draw money.
but i guess he had no idea that there was an atm at river valley itself.
but its alright.
i got to spend time with my <3.
and walks in the middle of the night were damn funny.
when you work with jokers and the people you've known for so long.

i sacrificed by letting him sleep.
and he ended up waking up late.
but its okay.
cause i wanna see him at work.
and i want the pictures in his phone!
there's just way too many picutres.
haha.


we were walking down the road and you told me to count the stars.
cause thats how much you love me.
but then,
you never realise that singapore doesn't have stars.
but it doesn't matter la.
as long as i know how much you love me.


it just seems that this is one relationship where it seems perfectly normal.
no bastards.
no lesbians.
no complications.
just us.
and love.


i'm happy and i know it.
i'm smiling to myself as im typing.
thank you pet.
and of course baby varien.
((:

i didn't go to school again.
i swear.
the committee is going to kick me out so damn soon.
that its not even funny.

you took something away.
you took it with your own pleasure.
and now i have to pay the price for it.

but baby,
you should know that i love you.
and this is only the first obstacle.
if we can overcome this.
i'm sure we can always overcome the rest.
i just hope that you can smile when i see you later alright?
there isn't going to be anyone else but you.
and i hope you know that.
i really do.
i love you.



and its more than any words can say.



i'm off the pierce my belly soon.
CAUSE SOMEONE GOT IT FOR A BIRTHDAY PRESENT!
horrible.
i can't possibly tell you how jealous i am right now.
i should have stayed and done it with her.
but REALITY CHECK.
i'm broke shit.
well.
its time to save some money.
time to save alot of money.

school's being a drag.
i swear.
can you decide on something already?

i'm off to vivo later.
for apple's birthday.
feast on marche and watch bean.
and off to coffeebean for closing.

yes,
i miss you baby.
but i'll see you soon.
so it won't matter for long cause time passes damn fast with you around.
i love you.

is been many days since i've blog.
and somehow i can't seem to go to my blog.
maybe it just hates me as of now.
boo!

and i know i was harsh.
and i'm not happy about the way i put it.
but it the truth.
and if a little harshness wakes you up.
i hope that i did.


i miss hafiz.
and he buys me so many teddy bears.
that little teddy bear necklace that that i wear every other day.
and when he went to malaysia, he bought me teddy bear with chocolates.
what i sweet guy.
and i'm happy and i feel blessed.
like finally.
i found someone who really cares about me.
i'm happy.


finally,
not my life doesnt seem so bad.
its the best i've ever had.
give my love to him, finally.

and i know that its the right thing to do.
letting go and moving on.
i know i've done so.
and i'm proud of myself.

and for my orang utan friend.
don't make me slap you.
we're going to quit.
i'm not giving you ANYTHING.
so we'll quit together okay?

and i'm going to be there for you.
just like how you were there for me.
years of friendship won't change a thing.
i swear.
so don't be sorry that you can't be there for me.
i should be the one who is sorry for not being there for you all these while.
so now let me be there alright?
i know we can both get through this.
like we've always done.

so gain some muscle mass on you orang utan arms!
and i'll see you when i see you.

love!

i miss hafiz.
but he's coming home tomorrow.
tomorrow night.
its more than 24 hours more to go.
and i can only hope that it'll pass faster.

so i'm in school now.
finally internet at its best.
which is clearly not my house.
but i'm at a workshop that i have no idea what its about.
i'm here just for the points.
so why the heck am i here when i can sleep at home?

okay.
work later.
with baby faezah!
god knows how much i miss her!


so now i can only pray,
for her to be okay.
and somehow i know that everything is just going to be fine.
and let just pray and hope for it.

i miss my horny one.
just come back soon.


i'll stop with the long and emo posts.

someone please talk to me.
before i go insane.
i know i'm close to it.

but i know i can't do it.
and i should tell someone about it.
i can't handle alot of stuff now.
so why did i jump into that relationship?

its a risk.
just like i said.
lets hope that its a risk worth taking.

someone please talk to me.
before i go insane.
i know i'm close to it.

but i know i can't do it.
and i should tell someone about it.
i can't handle alot of stuff now.
so why did i jump into that relationship?

its a risk.
just like i said.
lets hope that its a risk worth taking.

i miss him already.
so i guess its time to take another risk.
even if i feel like i'm not ready for it.

just go for it right?
yes.
as of now.
i'm attached.

GOD,
help me.
you know i need it.
i haven't exactly been doing all the right things. or playing my cards right.
but if anything.
i know that you're still there.

what charm said was right.
and these are really trying times for me.
and its really comforting to know that i have friend backing me up.

i know they love me.
and that pretty much what i need for now to get me through.

and i know someone is disappointed in me.
because i did something really stupid because it was the only thing i can think of doing at the point of time because my vision was so clouded and i needed to clear my head.
i know its not right.
but i did it.
but you told me that you love me for who i am.
and thats all i need.
i'm scared.
about alot of things.
and i wish i can tell you.
but not talking to you for so long has its effects.
i'm so sorry.
i just had a feeling that it wasn't meant to be like this.
but still.
i'm sorry for taking the path i did.

THE LAST DAMN THING.

a picture i will paint.
so you will understand.
that she was not a saint.
and her life was never grand.
she knew of suffering and pain.
because she felt them often.
and she helped so many without gain.
hoping to make her memories soften.
she smiled brightly to all her friends.
so that they wouldn't dig too deep.
she didn't want then to see their ends.
didn't want to make them weep.
she took her razors late at night.
and cut into her thigh.
she knew it wasn't a pretty sight.
but she didn't want to cry.
in the end she stopped that play.
and now she carries more scars.
to keep her company when she doesn't pay.
for her drinks in all the bars.
you see whe moved on to a different game.
one that tolls weren't so glaring.
she moved into bodily shame.
and now they all call her daring.
her friends think she's innocent.
so full oflife and verve.
but really her emotions are spent.
and she's lost most of her nerve.
she called for help in silence.
but noone answered the plea.
and then she somehow sensed.
she could never really flee.
so she stood up straight.
and stepped towards her end.
she gave a finger to fate.
and looked at her friends.
they were her reason for living.
in a cold a cruel world.
she acted sweet and caring.
and never were insults hurled.
she hated ignorance and lies.
she fought for all to be free.
she comforted when people cried.
and helped to make the blind see.
and people yelled and called her saint.
but she wasn't all that grand.
she hated her life, thats why i paint.
so you will all understand.

i dont think you realise.
what its like to be me.
i dont think you understand what its like to bleed.
you look at me and see.
something thats not there.
a girl who is perfect.
but that is just unfair.
i am not the one.
who said i am the best?
i am just the one.
who cannot ever rest.
you do not see the pain.
that i hide behind cold eyes.
and you do not hear the truth.
that is covered by lies.
i know you see the marks.
that i give myself each night.
but you do not ever comment.
so i guess that its alright.
you tell me that you care.
but i know its not true.
because if you did.
you wouldn't let me stew.
i go along my way.
pretending that i'm fine.
but in cold reality.
i'm just waiting for my time.
when that moment comes.
i will give a real smile.
because the nightmare will be over.
i won't have to breathe denial.
the darkness will then swallow me.
i won't have to taste the fear.
the pain will leave me alone.
i will again shed a tear.


i dont want to live.
but i dont want to die.
will soneone explaint his to me?
i know i can't win.
but i refuse to lose.
so how can i ever be free.
you scream at me and i yell back.
we will never see eye to eye.
you hit me so hard.
then tell me you love me.
why do i always fall for that lie?
i hide all the bruises.
and tell people that i'm fine.
but i'm slowly driving myself mad.
i tried to run.
but then you followed.
and you told me that you were sad.
you scream and rant.
then smaile and laugh.
whatever i do is not right.
you punish me.
she its for my own good.
and now i'm too warped to fight.
someday i'll leave.
and never come back.
but you always know where i hide.
i used to argue.
and protect myself.
but something in me has died.
there was a flame.
soemone told me that they loved me.
but i've seen that light gone out.
i slink around.
try to behave.
and all you ever do is shout.
you raise a hand.
i cringe, but not in fear.
i have lost all sense and feeling.
you scream at me.
say i don't care.
and now i'm on the floor kneeling.
you hit me again.
why wont you stop.
i'm falling into the dark.
i hear voices.
high above.
and i cling to one small spark.
i'm in a white room.
and you are there.
you smile and say the lines.
i am so tired if all you do.
but now you'll answer for your crimes.
you hid my eyes.
kept yourself hidden.
but now i see you for what you are.
i let you use me and now i see why.
i'm what happens when the wish is torn from the shooting star.

all i know now is that i have a relationship to mend.

now he's lying on whats most likely his deathbed.
and i can't make peace with him.
is he going to die without me having the strength to say that i love him?
cause i can't.
those are the words i can say to anyone i care about but not him.
i always thought that its his fault that our relationship has become like this.
maybe i had a part.
i didn't try.
but he did.
he kept trying for me.
he kept trying for us.
and i just blew him off and i kept pushing him away.
because of all the times he let us down.

and because of that.
i keep shutting myself away from him.
trying to protect myself from him so that i won't get hurt by him.

there was a point of time where i hated him.
and that he didn't deserve my love.
or any of my attention.
and that when he called, i'll just ignore it and leave it alone.

looking back at everything.
there are regrets.
no doubt.
but is it time to make amends?
at the very last minute?

is it even worth a try?

and all i'm asking is for GOD to give me strength.
its all i need now i guess.
maybe its all i need.
ever.

i'm so lost that its not even funny how lost i am.
i never expect it to happen to me so soon.
an i havent cried like this for the longest time.
and i dont think i'm stopping anytime soon.
i'm not ready for this.
not at a age like this.
i'm not prepared to lose a father.
not even one who was never there by my side.

i've cried so much that my eyes are swollen after a hours.
i've got tissue paper piled up like mountains.
and i just feel like shutting myself in and never coming out.
and i don't know what to do.
but thank you.

sean for answering my call after so many calls.
audrey for being who you are.
jo for being there even though she was sleeping like a pig.
i love you all.

i need to stay strong.
stronger than i am ever prepared for.

i miss school.

i miss all the stupid things we did in class.

and if the new term comes and it becomes totally different.

i think i'm just going to die.

somethings happened today.
which made me didn't want to blog at all.
but i promised sheryl.

thank you sher!
for making me feel so much better and yummy dinner.
and queuing up with me for doughnuts that we didn't eat or buy.
for being at toys'r'us.
and taking so many picutres.
thanks for making em remember how much i miss you!
and spending time with you.
neoprints next time.
i promise!
i swear!

i swear i come from a damn sick family.
now seriously.
my dad is lying there sick with cancer.
again.
i dont know how much more i can take before i break.
i just wanna say thank you to a few people.

sheryl;
you always make me feel better.
with just a simple smile.
and i love you.
so so much.
12 years does wonders.
and it made us soulmates.


emy;
for just being there.
for just being there.

amazing;
the hugs.
that made me feel that everything is going to feel alright.

sean;
i couldnt call.
my house phone died on me.
and it suck.
but its good to know.
i still have your friendship.
and thank you for being there.

hafiz;
thanks for making me laugh.
it made me feel better.
and letting me bite you.
released alot of tension.
i hope i'll get to see you tomorrow then!
then you can me me happy!

oh.
i think Palawan beach is going to be hot shit.

and please.
unknown taggers.
don't be lewd.


and to think that i can totally get you off my mind for the longest time.
you just try to slip it back in.

i'm off to see scrotum tomorrow.

its all so scandalous.
and its all going to be thrown back in your face.

i just woke up.
christie is still sleeping.
so we're both horrible.
cause we didn't make it for mass.
such horrible people la.

well.
i think sheryl doesn't want me anymore.
you clubber!


i fucking hate poodles.
cause they are ugly.
so are chiwawas.
i dont know how the heck you spell them.
just too ugly to care.

i hate waking up with no money.
because then i'll realise that i'm too broke to go out and eat.
so i'm eating instant noodles at home to fill my tummy.
so not good for my failing health.
i need some real food.
so maybe.
when i get my ay.
its time to go for some supermarket shopping.
get someeggs.
and food that i can cook better rather than just maggi mee.

i know its not the earliest of times.
but i've got to say something.
HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY FIANCEE!
thank you for all the love!
and for being there when my eyes were brimming with tears.
for hearing me out.
for trying so hard to reach out to me.
and i love you!

you're 15!
AND I'M LOVIN' IT!

remember when i used to call you mine?
i remembered that it was all mighty fine.
oh god how i loved those days.

i was getting awfully pissed off when i couldn't untangle my old necklace.
boo!
)):
its not good yeah.
but its alright now, with all my favourite pendants hanging on the chain, including the one haifz just gave me.
it was really pretty!
i mean, it still is.

i'm back to writing again.
some part of it.
and its been getting good feedback.
well.
i'll put the link up when i'm writing more.
yes, i'm publishing my writings.
and its all from me.
well.
it will only be good if there is inspiration to do my stuff.


ooooh.
work was good today.
i miss the place.
yes yes.
i'm such a workaholic that i miss working.
i'm prone to habits i guess.
i'm too used to working that it feels weird that i'm not working.
i guess you all get the point.


haha.
ean called me to tell me he was at vivo.
damn dumb la.
well.
have fun.
i want my CD back!

church tomorrow.
i hope that i can wake up in time for it.
then its back to work for me.


i can't tell if my taste buds are coming back or not.
but its time to bathe.
i think my life is too boring to even blog about.

THE SWEETEST THING

so its the sweetest sin when you can't have it.
but what happens when you do?
i guess you won't treasure it.
cause people always take things for granted.

take for example.
your tastebuds.
you never know how good food is until you forget how it tastes like.


anyway.
i realised that i was too pissed off by my mum last night to talk about the goodness of yesterday.

but i got my voice back.
thanks to hafiz.
maybe cause i had to scold him.
maybe it only came back cause i needed to scold him.
but lunch was good.
considering that it was at like four plus in the afternoon.
and then we went to Palawan Beach.
and it was my first time sitting on the new monorail.
it was damn bloody slow la.
oh my goodness.
i kept complaining to Sebestian and i got scolded by him.
its only a few stops away la dumb!
and then we were there.
and jo's hair.
OH MY LORD!
it was damn freaking erm.
i don't know how to say it.
it was like i half expected it to be all bald.
but it looks kind good on her.
i like it.
yeah.

well.
its off the work tomorrow.
and sunday.
wow.

so its off to sleep soon!
goodnight and goodbye.

urgh.
i don't know why i have to go through this.
reasons why i hate being home.
and face a bitch thats barking all the time.
thanks alot yeah?

I LOST MY VOICE!

ain't that great?
urgh.
i hate this.

you left without a word or sound.
so how do you want me to react?
what do you want me to say?
you placed your hopes so high.
you fell the hardest.


now.
my stomach hurts like shit.
like theres some alien in my stomach.
eating me inside out.
its pure agony.
i got no mood to eat anything.
i can't taste anything even.
this sucks.
seriously.
i just ate being sick and knowing that i can't do anything about it instantly.
its times like this where i prefer dying to stop the pain and the discomfort.
this sucks.
serious.
maybe if i just go to sleep.
it will all be better.

i can't taste much.
thats not good.
boo to the loss of taste!

well.
i'm damn tired now.
but i'm looking forward to saturday.
when i get my presents.
oh pretty necklace and teddy bear!
thank you haifz!
you rock!

i chose this way cause i don't want scars.
and it has minimal side effects.
yeah.
i've heard of all the possibilities.
so i'm sure of what i'm going to do.
just support me alright?
i know that i can get through this.

i will remember you.
its so hard.
even though you've moved on.
i'm still gonna remember.
sometimes i miss you so much that i don't know what i'm missing.

its funny to know.
that you still care.
even in your morbid little way.
you still care.

so here i am standing at the crossroad.

BREAKING THE FALL

hafiz like to buy me many things.
first he bought me candy.
now he bought me something else.
he'll keep it a surprise for me. or so he says.
but now i know that it has something to do with teddy bears.

i went out with mummy.
for awhile before i had to go someplace.
i bought mascara.
and i dont know what else.
but i sure ate alot.
before i can't eat anymore.
eating all my favourite foods now.
yeah.

i was at manda's house yesterday.
had a feast.
and a prayful moment.
yeah.
i can only hope that it will be better from now on.


i'll be out yo.
love.

HARD CANDY.

he gives me candy all the time.
and i love him for it.
he makes me happy.
and he makes me laugh.
even though he's an idiot.
so don't leave work anytime soon alright?
love!

i have no idea why i woke up at five in the morning.
and staying awake until seven plus in the morning.
sending random messages to people.
telling them to have fun in school and not to piss the teachers off.
i guess i was bored.
and i totally forgot that i needed to pay for my own bill and i wasted so many messages.

i need to get back to dancing soon.
yeah.
my fa-ats are all coming back.
and i seriously don't like to feel this way.
but i just can't help myself.
maybe after my week's break.
i'll be skinny until no one will recognise me.
who knows?


my break is coming soon.
tomorrow would be my last day at work until when i'm ready to come back.
yeah.
i'm sure i'll be alright by then.
yeah.
i know i'll be fine.
and there would be no one at all to stop me from doing so.


fly me to the moon and let me play amongst the star.
in other words, please be true.
in other words, i love you.